GRRRRRR

So I probably shouldn't be writing this but I am so sick of having to hold in my damn anger and swallow it down all the time I am about to POP!! I am so sick of trying my freakin ass off to be nice to my bloody ex and all I get in return is you should be nice to me, you better be nice to me or I'll stop helping you, you are getting free money, you are so selfish, I'm taking the kids away from you, fcuk you Marla you bitch. I mean enough is enough of having to listen to his bs, degrading talking to(s) and so on. I am full up on his shite, I was full up about 5 years ago but didn't have the spine to leave and when I finally did Mister lets be civil about all of this wasn't civil at all. He took everything from me, my things that meant something to me, my money, he has lied to me so many times I question things even when they are the truth and for what. He is never going to help me, he is never going to finish and/or give me the damn divorce papers so I can move on. Why because he wants control.... he always has and he always will. He is cheap and is ALWAYS hitting below the belt so if he thinks or knows something has a strong hold on me then he'll use it. I am sick of his stupid stunts. I wish he would just give me back what he took (money wise), give me the damn divorce papers so I can marry Alex and move on!!!!!! He really needs to let go and find a life for himslef as well. I want him to be happy either alone or with someone I really do but I can't help but be angry at how he acts. I know it would be helpful to have something to start with and that is all I am asking for something to start with not the whole bloody world. However, we wouldn't be in this spot if someone had been honest to begin with. I want to be freinds with him, if not for any other reasons than the kids than fine, but fighting all the time isn't helping them either. The fighting is one of many reasons why we are divorced.... because of how unkind and cruel he can be. I'm not saying I am perfect because I know I'm not, but I am trying to be nice, a freind and so on. And somedays it is so hard when I have said or done nothing wrong and I get my damn head chopped off....okay enough of that Alex is here now I am calming and rant over.

Panic and Fear

Well I have to admit I am a slight wreck and on egg shells since about Friday. I'm truly scared!! Friday Alex and I had a disagreement (fight) which honestly was 100% my fault. I was po'd and looking for a fight or some poor person to take my anger out on. Unfortunately it was the one person I love and respect! Alex told me that Thursday night he had a plan and was going to leave me. Talk about your worst fear coming true... I can't even put into words how much this did and has scared or effected me. I've thought about this every second that I am not busy or every second that I allow it to bother me. Now I am always going to be wonderig if I have done something wrong, if he wants to leave again, walking on egg shells, so on. I am really scared I could cry, I try not to show that I think about as much as I do. But this is one of the things I have waited to hear from him for awhile. What am I suppose to do? If he does leave there is nothing I can do about it other than cry, hurt and pretty much die. I know I have not always shown him how much I love him, need him or respect him and that is on me. However if I lost this person that is my whole world, he is my direction in life, my centre, wow my everything.....then what?

Engaged

As of February 12, we are officially engaged. Alex is amazing and got me the most beautiful ring ever, Blue topaz in white gold. So I am massively excited about August and have only got a few months to put everything together.

LOVE

Amy Bloom:

Love at first sight is easy to understand; it's when two people have been looking at each other for a lifetime that it becomes a miracle.

Amy Tan:

I am like a falling star who has finally found her place next to another in a lovely constellation, where we will sparkle in the heavens forever.

Not much of a blog I know but what more can I add to this other than these two ladies have wrapped up exactly how I feel about Alex.

Good-bye 2007, Hello and Welcome 2008!!

So I have to say THANK God this year is almost over. In 3 hours and 36 minutes it'll be a new year! I am looking forward with great hope and high ambitions for the new year. I pray, hope, and wish that things start smoothing themselves out for Alex and I. So to all my friends Happy New Year!!

Boxing Day

So I am still in a fog over what the hell Boxing Day is suppose to be but I can tell you I have had one GREAT DAY!! I spent the early part of the day with my boyfriend looking for an open store and then driving around. Then we went to his mom's house for a family get together and a wonderful meal. I am feeling like I am at home here and love the thought of being with Alex. So off to Wikipedia I go to research fun facts about Boxing Day.

A Very Merry Chrsitmas

Today was indeed a very Merry Christmas!! Alex and his family are an amazing group of people and made the day a memory in the making!! We spent part of the day at his Step dad and Mum's house, with Nat, Peter, Max and Grandad!! Then much to whatever I have simmering inside me for good reason we went for a short visit to his brother Andrew's and stepmom. Then is was home for a fall down on the sofa after one very short night sleep (thanks to Christmas Eve) and a talk to the kids. I miss the kids a lot today but I am glad I had the day I had and I know their Christmas is going very well. I wouldn't change a thing I spent Christmas with people I care about and in the company of my life.